Kathleen Cawley commentary: The 'Motherhood Mystique'

There are two cultural myths that keep the parenting division of labor unequal in America. The first is the entrenched holdover of what I call the Motherhood Mystique. Women of the baby-boom generation worked hard to break through the barriers imposed on them by the Feminine Mystique. (See "The Feminine Mystique" by Betty Friedan if you're not familiar with this.) They got into the workforce and pursued traditionally male jobs. We're certainly not all there yet, but a lot of progress has been made. Young women today seek out skills and enter the work world fully expecting to have a life of wage-earning industry. And they often do pretty well. Right up until they become mothers. Then the Motherhood Mystique kicks in with all its layers of history and assumptions. First, there is the devaluing of a mother's time. Breastfeeding is free, right? Well, no. It costs a woman 1,800 hours a year. That's almost equal to the hours of full-time wage-earning work! If she's also pumping, there are extra hours on top of that. This is just one example of the devaluing of mother's work that is taken for granted in our society. Caregiving and housework are not included in our GDP because … why? In the 1940s, there was discussion to include this work in GDP, but it was voted down. Mothers do not receive pay or social security for their work of raising the next generation because … the labor involved is not respected. Employers will also immediately devalue a new mother as a worker. Many mothers get passed over for promotions, travel work or important assignments once they become a mother. Fathers don't experience this. However, they are expected to continue to work more hours a week than they are paid for or, if hourly, be available for overtime. So, part of the problem is unfair labor expectations of all workers. If everyone, male and female, goes home at 4:30 to be with family or takes an afternoon for a kid's needs, then it's easier to share the work of parenting. And, we can hope mothers could then earn equal wages without the assumptions that they are not committed. But there are other issues, too. The idea that motherhood is the biologically predetermined need of all women has created many problems. If it's a biological necessity, then it's only natural for a mother to want to stay at home with children. Further, any mother who doesn't want to be home full time is not "natural." This deep underlying assumption can seep into the subconscious minds of men and women alike. It's an idea that has complex roots, some of it in political misogyny and some born of racism. The bearing of white children by white women was seen by racists and eugenicists as a pure and vital role of white women. At the same time, the caregiving work of black women was hugely devalued. In this vein, white mothers at home became almost holy. In addition, men did not want to share political power with women. The idea that motherhood at home was the natural and holy realm of women meant it should be all they needed. It also meant one could say it was all females were capable of. These components of the Motherhood Mystique linger in the restricting ideal of the holiness of the all-giving, all-sacrificing mother. We need to replace this twisted myth with a more human and balanced understanding of motherhood. And that understanding needs to include the personal, emotional, financial and psychological needs of mothers. Another component of the Motherhood Mystique that holds back women today comes from the intersection of the mystique with pregnancy and work. For boomer women to break into the world of work, they needed to fight against the idea that weakness in pregnancy was a reason they shouldn't work. Thus, out of necessity was born the Easy, Breezy Pregnancy Myth. It goes like this: Pregnancy is natural and easy, so it will in no way interfere with work. Boomer women hid their pregnancies as long as possible. They avoided asking for concessions if they were not feeling well or had complications. Then, once kids were born, they did everything they could to avoid the topic of children when at work. Nor did they admit that family needs could conflict with work demands. This remains a treacherous path to walk for many working women. Often, women expect to work during motherhood but are blindsided by work environments that continue to deny the rights of workers to have pregnancy and family needs. This hamstrings mothers and fathers alike. If our culture allows employers to control so much of a worker's life that they can't meet family needs, then mothers will get less for their work or leave to meet family needs and fathers will continue to be expected to work as though they had no right to life outside of work. The Easy, Breezy Pregnancy Myth also implies women should be able to handle everything on their own. For most of human history, pregnancy and childbirth were dangerous times for women. Families, friends and communities came together to support mothers through pregnancy, the post-partum period and early childcare years. Not only have we lost all that to the Easy, Breezy Pregnancy Myth, but some women actually report feeling shame if they have pregnancy or birth problems. In the past, an easy pregnancy was considered a blessing. It was not a goal or a requirement. So, we need to ditch the Easy, Breezy Pregnancy Myth and acknowledge that women have special needs when bringing life into the world. To do that, we'll need to recognize the value to America (not just the individual or family) of parenthood. Children are the foundation of a society, and those who have them and raise them are of great value to our country. Mothers and fathers alike have family care needs outside of work, and they should be accorded the time they need. We must include the unpaid work of caregivers in our GDP. We should financially support all mothers and pay into social security for at-home caregivers. We need high-quality subsidized childcare for all. Workers should be going home after eight hours and given reasonable and predictable schedules. We need to ditch the Motherhood Mystique and recognize women have needs for a life of industry, individual interests and pursuits. Step one in equalizing pay and improving the lives of women is to recognize all these issues and forces that are affecting women today. Step two is to make these concerns daily talking points in our national and political conversations. Kathleen Cawley is a physician assistant and author. She is a regular guest columnist for Gold Mountain California News Media, where she writes on parenting and childhood. Her books, "Navigating the Shock of Parenthood: Warty Truths and Modern Practicalities – from a mom with twins," and "Grandma Becky's Blue Tongue," a children's picture book, are available where books are sold.