Straight Talk with Lauren Forcella

Dear Straight Talk: Each year I give my niece and nephew an expensive gift of something they want or need. I often include money. If I'm there for the holidays, they say thank you but I have never once received a thank-you letter.I know young people are busy, but really? Too busy to spend 15 minutes?The kids are now 17 and 19. I'm disappointed that my brother and his wife never made them write thank-you letters. (I've not received email thank yous either.)Though I've never complained, ingratitude is such a poor trait. Should I send them anything this year? I'd appreciate your guidance.~Maureen, MontereyKatie, 18, Auburn: The last time I wrote thank yous, I was 5 and my parents forced me. Now I don't have time, but I make a point to call relatives to thank them for any cards, gifts or money. But no "thank you" whatsoever? That's discouraging. I would stop buying them expensive gifts.Christina, 19, Marysville: Guilty as charged! My mom has told me to write thank yous, but I am lazy about it. The few times I actually did, I never had the addresses! If I have the person's email, I might send a thanks that way. Suggestion: Attach a note asking how they enjoyed their gifts.Taylor, 14, Santa Rosa: What you describe is normal. People don't have time and many don't know better. My mom made me write thank yous when I was younger, but I usually don't anymore. For a grandparent, I might send a quick thanks via email.Peter, 24, Monterey: I consider myself a polite person, but nobody told me about thank-you letters until I was almost an adult! That said, I always call or thank people in person.Catherine, 24, Amherst, Mass.: I've never written a thank-you letter in my life and only know one person who does. It's not something I was taught and it always struck me as odd.Carrie, 17, Los Angeles.: I always forget! After many forgotten thank-yous, one aunt sat me down and called me "ungrateful." When I tried to explain that I just forget, she said to "stop complaining." Now I dread getting her gifts.Ryann, 15, Tustin: Christmas is a time for giving. Let that be your reward.Liva, 22, Santa Barbara: I was terrible about writing thank-you letters. Nonetheless, every year my parents insisted upon them – even if it was March! My father still checks to see if I've sent them and now the answer is always yes because I've discovered that expressing gratitude makes me feel good! I actually enjoy writing them.Regarding gifts, at 18, most of my relatives began sending cards instead. I wasn't offended and your niece and nephew shouldn't be either.Gregg, 20, Los Angeles: I dreaded presents from relatives because I knew I would have to write thank-you letters. Every year, my mom was a stickler about them – and still is! Her efforts paid off just this year. Now I'm all for thank-you cards! The amount of time and energy to write a note is nothing compared to the gift-giver's contribution. A note of appreciation is the nicest thing you can do in return – and it's the right thing.Dear Maureen: Most parents clearly aren't hovering over traditional thank-you letters! How sad. Gratitude is linked to human happiness and should be fostered at every opportunity. You have been a model of unconditional love. I say if you can continue giving with no expectations, do so. Otherwise, rather than feel resentment, scale back.Parents: Instilling a "gratitude habit" has benefits to one's soul life on par with how bodies benefits from, say, fresh vegetables. Consider enforcing a sit-down, thank-you letter ritual as part of your holiday structure.~ LaurenFor more discussion, to ask a question or inquire about being a youth panelist, visit www.straighttalktnt.com or write P.O. Box 963, Fair Oaks, CA 95628.--------------------------------------------------------------------More from Lauren ForcellaEnforce it you must, or it won't happen! Like Gregg and Liva's parents, I was (and still am) a stickler for thank-you cards with my four kids. And voila, light bulbs went off for them around age 20 also. The process is effortful, but it's a brilliant service for your kids. I'm also a stickler about writing by hand. It's good for the brain, and even rough handwriting has a human aesthetic lacking in email. According to Miss Manners, notepaper and envelope are the proper tools. No need for a commercialized "thank-you" card – you're to think of these magic words on your own!On the subject of gratitude, I would like to extend heartfelt thanks to all our faithful readers. There are 40 million teens and emerging adults in the U.S., many with serious issues around binge-drinking, body image, cutting, online porn, cyber-bullying and more – things they don't always talk to parents about. Our youth writers have a way of peeling back the veil so that teens listen and parents learn. It's an honor to work with them and all of you.Straight Talk TNT is now a nonprofit 501(c)3 tax-deductible organization (status pending) and we are relying on grants and donations to keep the column going. If you like reading us each week, please donate today at www.straighttalktnt.com or send a check to Straight Talk TNT, P.O. Box 963, Fair Oaks, CA 95628. No donation is too small. All contributions are tax-deductible.